French fans @ Sydney Airport. The Oxford Dictionary defines a grouping of French persons, in one place, as a ‘surrender’
Friday’s Rugby News
Bienvenue!
‘The French have landed’ – said no opposition army ever.
But as far as Rugby is concerned, either ‘the most dangerous side in Europe’ (Scott Johnno below) or ‘the French C team’ (FUX Sports, grapes-sour-much?) have arrived on our golden shores and isn’t it refreshing to have a side other than the Nearlies, FISM’s or Dutch Dirt Diggers here for a change. You get sick of the same-ol’ same-ol’.
In this Friday’s news we run the rule through the Tadpoles, we drop into Camp Wallaby for the latest and go round the globe and look at all things Rugby.
les têtards
The French arrived in Sydney Tuesday night to start their quarantine and begin their plotting and scheming to beat us at our own game, on our own shores – yeah, well I say ‘Merde-off’ to that.
Although missing some of their more ‘recognised names’ due to a logistics / scheduling clash with the French Top 14 final, Rugby Australia director of Rugby (similar post of the Director of the American Dodge Ball Association of America), Scott Johnson, said France still had a strong squad and the absence of star names like Antoine Dupont and Romain Ntamack would not worry coach and renowned mime artist, Fabien Galthie.
“The French have so much depth. They have the most depth — outside of New Zealand — in world rugby”. Ever the master in the dark arts of reverse psychology and of mind fuc motivating the Wallabies, Johnson then went on to say with that kind of depth the French possessed meant they too were also capable of being grossly offside, entering rucks at angles that would make Pythagoras recalculate his theorem and would add their own Gallic flair on top, with eye gouging, kicking, biting and general moodiness all part of their rugby arsenal.
SJ then slipped the dagger further into the gold grey-matter by pointing to the French winning the last two under-20 world titles.
“They have a young, talented group of players that play instinctively and the style that people would perceive as traditionally French. They’re the most dangerous side in Europe. Without doubt.”
Farging hell Johnno, we get it, they can play and we have our hands full. Book a room already.
‘faire le premier test’
Wallaby outside backs?
We shall remember them.
Tom Decent of the SMH reports that several of the Wallabies outside backs ‘elder statesmen’ are in doubt for either the first test or in Nic White’s case, the entire series.
Maitland’s favourite son, the owner of the filthiest ‘stache in Oz Rugby, which just also happens to be attached to an 80 kilo yapping, lippy & annoying #9 (but only when he’s at the Brumbies, I love it when he is in gold), is out of the French Series entirely.
Mr White has returned to Canberra, which is cruel and unusual punishment in and of itself, with a knee injury. Suddenly Oz #9 stocks look alarmingly thin. The Commissioner, whilst recovering well is still in some doubt. ‘Billy the Kid’ McDermott looks near certain to be thrust into the starting 9 role with the bench spot going to The Commissioner (who surely must be short of game time) or some Brumbies youngster Ryan Lonergan who, must be said, appears to be younger than some whisky’s I have.
In further looming darkness, Two-Cows is also in the parliamentary swingers-capital of Australia treating a neck injury and getting relationship advice from new women’s rights activist, spokesperson and author of ’50 Shades of Barnaby’, Barnaby Joyce.
As for ‘the peoples skipper’JOC2.0, he is also on restricted training duties, but remains with the team in the Queensland People’s Republic of Queensland (QPRQ) and is also in doubt for test #1. Depending on what site you visit he has either a neck or groin injury. I think we can agree he has some stiffness somewhere. You can tell he is not married.
Call me a pessimist but a gold side running out with Billy the Kid & Lolesio at 9 & 10, with no Two Cows, no JOC2.0 & no Gordon = no chance. I am all for the the ‘pepper of youth’ being served with the ‘salt of experience’, but not served by itself.
Perhaps a shout out to the ‘Flying Mullet’ Joe Powell or everyone’s favourite Tah, ‘The Bovine Sprinkler’ to get to Sanctuary Cove tout suite, may be worthwhile.
Mad Uncle Berty & his Wallabies theory.
No Shit Sherlock!
Wallabies assistant coach Scott ‘Sherlock’ Wisemantel has dropped a truth-bomb to fans this week. When asked what the Wallabies needed to do he had a radical, left of centre thought-bubble and replied with alacrity – “I think winning, for a start,”
“I think Australian rugby, we need to win.
“As a coaching staff, we’re under no illusions, there’s pressure. There’s always pressure when it’s Test match rugby’ – well thank you Albert – do you think!
Well Sherlock, you reckon there’s pressure as a coach – try following your lot as a fan for a while and see how that goes!
Jesus, Mary & Joseph – we haven’t won the Bledisloe since, well since a long time. I would argue that our last consistently good, back to back performances were during the 2015 RWC – well folks, that’s 6 years in the rear vision mirror now, aren’t we kinda past due?
Since those heady days of 2015 we we have endured record scores against us by a plethora of nations, we have drawn against the FISMS TWICE in a series, lost 3-zip to Dr Evils Soap Dodgers on home soil for the FIRST TIME EVER. Lost a series to Ireland on our soil for FIRST TIME EVER and provincially we are fresh off a 23-2 drubbing at the hands of the Hobbits across the dutch.
In fact, barring the draw in NZ last year I truly struggle to remember the last time a Wallaby side served up 80 minutes of anything resembling top flight, sleeves up, intelligent rugby for an eon.
I am on record as stating I like Moses, I like the coaching team and I sit happy in the knowledge that we have ‘square pegs in square holes’. I am even prepared to endure losses. BUT (nothing matters until after ‘but’ is said – all preamble is shite) you must give us more than words. More than big Sitaleki telling us he ‘has never experienced training like it‘. Hell, I’d even take ‘brave losses’ if I thought the smarts & starch were back in those in the Cadbury Gold.
The proof of any pudding is in the eating & this fan is sick of his being covered in piping hot excrement from Wallaby performances & results.
One comp to rule them all? NZR Chairman Stewart Mitchell.
Fridays Fast Five
My Precious
NZR and our very own Hamish ‘The Hammer’ McLennan and honorary Australian (until he stuffs up and returns to ‘Dirty Saffa’ status) Lex Marinos, look set to be headed to couples counselling again as the exact shape of 2022 ‘Super Rugby Whatever‘ has a difficult, protracted and ugly inception. The SMH provides some interesting reading re ratings, costs and twists. Despite the absolute pants-ing our teams copped, Oz sides have a fairly strong negotiation position given Kiwi ratings and the desire of the NZ sides to demand Oz sides in the comp. We touched on this a few weeks back but for mine SR Oz surely must again initially stand apart as a prequel to whatever version SR looks like post our competition.
Test Venues & The Wuhan Wonder Bug.
With the Sydney C19 outbreak still unfolding and evolving NSW State Government guidelines, a number of factors could yet playout and impact the three proposed test venues for the Frog tests (Sydney, Melbourne & Brisbane). As far as the SCG test any number of permutations remain on the table. Crowds, no crowds, flying teams in and out on match day afternoon to avoid possible issues entering other states. A ‘Plan B’ is in place to host the second test in either Newcastle or Canberra should Melbourne experience any further COVD setbacks or indeed if the teams are unable to enter other states at all due to their possible Sydney exposures.
My best guestimate – all three tests may yet be held in NSW. Or if C19 continues to impede Sydney, perhaps even all three in Qld? Naturally subject to Commandant Palaszczuk.
Bloody Hore.
After the Auckland Blues famous and well deserved win, this from Stuffnv.com on a quartet of players leaving and the incredible talents of the Blues Management, including one ‘stuff ‘em for a decade’ former Tahs CEO Andrew Hore.
‘But this is a new Blues group under the stewardship of chief executive Andrew Hore and coaching of Leon MacDonald. They future proof. They plan. They recruit………..’
Ladies & Gentlemen of the jury, I wish to enter prosecution evidence ‘A’ – The NSW Waratahs……..
The prosecution rests.
BIL’s V Nippon XV
The best of the ‘United Kingdom’ (‘United’ my arse – just don’t mention Brexit, I did once, but I think I got away with it) have been named to take on everyone’s ‘second favourite’ international rugby side, The Brave Blossoms in the land of thrifty spending, Scotland. The two sides meet this Saturday at Murrayfield in the BIL’s first hit out before their test series against a side who won some trophy in 2019. The same nation who’s premier provincial side lost to the might of an Italian club side last week (chuckling out loud whilst typing).
I think I speak for us all when I say to the Brave Blossoms – 帝国主義の豚を打ち負かす
Mungo tentacles
Had to type that heading carefully.
SMH reports that World Rugby are set to implement the ‘experimental laws’ first trialled in SR Oz over the last two years. These variations were loosely based (nee ‘stolen’) from our cousins in Loig. All the laws, barring the the 20 minute red card variation (blocked by the Pom’s & Frogs) will be in force from next season on a 12 moths trial. Other NRL initiatives including taking performance enhancing banned substances, prolific sexual assaults, public lewdness, exploitation of teenage players, police assaults, group sex parties, induction of well known homophobes and enunciation classes are to be deferred for now.
Until next Friday, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Hoss – out.