In a just world, blurbs would eat caveats for breakfast. I already went over a list of fantasy football caveats in one of my first blogs on this old corner of the “osphere,” as they say. In a sports media universe that we breathe in the moment we wake up and open social media, after our cat knocks over the drying rack because she’s a glutton for both food and self-flagellation, The Take rules over us all. The Take draws us in with instant magnetic concrete-thinker thuggery. Our amygdalas catch fire, and rupture into the two divine paths, as Robert Frost once cataloged:
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both.
And be one traveler, long I stood.
And looked down one as far as I could.”
The Take demands not this wishy-washy reflection. There simply isn’t time to look far down a path in the woods, you’re trying to attract scrutiny and clicks! By the by, Robert Frost would last maybe one day on Twitter, and that whole day would be spent trying to figure out the difference between Username and @handle, and then waffling on what wallpaper he would use for his profile. His username would definitely be @bobFrostpoetry. I wonder if he would’ve been a Tumblr guy or a Myspace flashing GIF home page guy? Oscar Wilde pretty much invented Tumblr, so probably not that. What was I saying?
Some of these blurbs below attempt The Take, but immediately get cold feet. These blurbs are chameleons, not the good ones like David Bowie, but the vampiric ones like Lindsay Graham (although some would argue (Jayne County) (Triple parenthetical, we did it!)), whose word is only as good as the results of said take. By god, never, ever base a pick up bid on a blurb’s recommendation. Read the fine work of our staff on Razzball, make sure you’re making choices based on your own opinion. Do the research. Just, you know, not the “I’m doing some research” that’s been happening with COVID. What’s good for the fantasy sports isn’t good for the global pandemic. Goose and gander. You get me. On to the blurbs!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Formatting Foibles – when a blurbsite deals with an unknown quantity
- To Be, Or Not To Be? Maybe? – when a take is no longer a take
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Bears placed LB Danny Trevathan on injured reserve with knee soreness.
Trevathan is still locked into a starting job after starting all 16 games a season ago. Trevathan was a major liability in 2020, but free agent fill-in Alec Ogletree is not going to be any better. It is a concern for the Bears’ defense.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
You know when your significant other asks you take out the garbage, and you look up from whatever you’re doing and dutifully nod your head? And then later, when she asks you if you took out the trash, you answer, “Essentially.” Then she looks you right in your eyes, unblinking, and says, “Essentially?” You answer, “Yeah, essentially.” She looks at you sideways, and you get really nervous, and she says, “You didn’t do it, right?” And then you point to something behind her back, and while she’s distracted, you run away?
Well, besides the running away part, this blurb is like saying you’re going to take out the garbage but then you don’t. The blurbist leads with Trevathan being “locked into a starting job,” but then disparages his performance last season, and when you re-read the headline, and even squint really hard with your screen on full brightness, the headline still reads that Trevathan is on the injured reserve. Can one be “locked into a starting job” and be on the IR for a three week minimum? If the answer is “essentially,” then the real answer is no. No reason to analyze this news beyond giving us the injury time frame, and let us know how it affects players going against the Bears defense? Maybe?
Formatting Foibles
Stan Kroenke (C)
The NFL was not able to get St. Louis authorities’ lawsuit dismissed, meaning there will be a trial in January over a dispute in which the city is seeking $1 billion or more.
The state-created entity that owns the Rams’ old St. Louis stadium alleges that the team – namely Rams owner Stan Kroenke – failed to follow relocation protocols. They are seeking $1 billion dollars or more in a lawsuit that St. Louis Circuit Court Judge Christopher McGraugh chose not to dismiss when the NFL asked him to in August. As a result, the dispute will go to jury court next January.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
As far as I can tell, Enos Stanley Kroenke is not the Coach or Center for the St. Louis Rams. They’re getting better regarding their blaming the coach for the organization’s legal issues, though again, what in the wild world of heck does this have to do with fantasy football? I’m all about calling out Kroenke for marrying a Walmart heiress, and trying to pitch some story about him “building an empire” from any semblance of scratch. Dude married super smart, now he spends his time trying to see if he can play three-dimensional chess with tax payer’s money. I want to both drive his name out of the news due to general repugnance, but also highlight said repugnance to foment the gentle sea change Old Deadspin has wrought to make sure future stadium deals get the bad press they deserve. I am Natalie Imbruglia. I am. Torn.
To Be, Or Not To Be? Maybe?
Ty’Son Williams rushed nine times for 65 yards and one touchdown in the Ravens’ Week 1 loss to the Raiders.
He added three catches for 29 yards on four targets. Williams’ first-half usage was extremely promising as the clear-cut No. 1 back and busting through the line for a 35-yard touchdown where he showed off his straight-line speed. But the Ravens went to Latavius Murray more in the second half, and Murray ended up out-carrying Williams 10-9 while scoring a touchdown of his own on the ground. Williams has the look of a guy who will make an impact this season, but Murray is clearly going to have a role. And Le’Veon Bell and Devonta Freeman are lurking on the practice squad. Williams should be treated as an RB2/3 for Week 2 against the Chiefs.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
All aboard the logic express! Choo choo! You can tell we’re on a metaphorical train because I said “All aboard,” and then said “express” and shouted loudly like a train. I didn’t cry like a train, because it takes a lot to laugh, and if that went over your head, you didn’t watch VH1’s “Top 100 Albums of All Time” in the year of our lord 1998. Onward with the logic!
- First half, clear cut No. 1 RB
- Second half, Latavius Murray was used a lot more
- “Looks” like he will make an impact(?)
- Due to Murray, he might not be as impactful
- Le’Veon Bell and Devonta Freeman are “lurking,” which means they are prowling in the shadows most games, waiting to ambush Williams when he finally has to let his guard down.
- He’s an RB2/RB3 next week.
Welp, that’s quite the journey. Haven’t seen a narrative so unnecessarily twisted since Inception. BTW, The Prestige is a better movie, and not just to see David Bowie playing the role of Nicola Tesla. Nolan-heads aren’t going to know what to do with themselves. Probably thought I would criticize Tenet, but truth is, I haven’t seen it! This story is pretty cool, right? No tension, lacks an Act 3 and 4, but linear and a surprise ending.
Truthfully, this blurb is so full of caveats I hesitate to call it advice or even analysis. It’s more of a general description of bafflement, but it looks a bit more reassuring to subtitle it “Fantasy Advice” than “What the Heck Happened Here, the Ravens Made Us Look Stupid.” This will be the eventual title of my memoir, and it will still make more sense than this paragraphical backpedaling.
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
ESPN’s Mike Reiss said the Patriots could “reduce” Damien Harris’ role after he lost of fumble late in the team’s Week 1 loss to Miami
Rookie RB Rhamondre Stevenson fumbled too, putting him in the proverbial doghouse for much of Week 1. Reiss suggested the team could “replace” Stevenson with J.J. Taylor — a Week 1 healthy scratch — against the Jets next week. Harris, who handled 23 attempts for 100 yards and caught two passes for 17 yards against the Dolphins, isn’t likely to retain a dominant backfield role after his game-losing fumble on his final touch of the game. New England’s unpredictable backfield usage could mean Harris peaked int he season opener. Taylor should be picked up by RB-needy managers this week.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
ESPN runs a report where a reporter asks a stupid hypothetical question (“If a running back fumbles the ball, and he’s a Patriot, could he benched?), and then answers the question himself (No, probably not, actually really no). The NFL is absolutely bizarre, because I hesitate to even call this a thought experiment. It is 100% writing himself an invitation onto a Boston sports talk show to debate with his shadow. It’s like a weather reporter looking at the forecast for a sunny day, turning to the camera, and saying, “But what if it rains?” Only this guy is generating revenue for the NFL, not getting fired for asking questions that immediately undercut his expertise.
This blurb is quite amazing. The word reduced is in quotation marks, which should be your first caveat warning. If that isn’t enough, the word replace is then put into quotation marks. Again, if you’re afraid to have The Take, or even regurgitate The Take on a micro level, stop with the caveats. I just read a blurb that made my brain bleed, and we left learning nothing!
Except this little blurb may plant a seed in someone’s head. You could use this blurb’s erroneous reposting of a flawed eventuality to try and trade for Stevenson. There are some people on this vast, impossible earth who will swallow that pill and ask for more peanut butter. However, we are not among their ranks.
We shall inspect every spoonful of peanut butter and find every bitter pill being foisted upon us by the news media…oh. Oh no. This is how it starts. I make a joke about hiding pharmaceuticals in my long-dead dog’s peanut butter scoop, and I end up best friends with Alex Berenson and Naomi Wolf. Oh lord. The pill is the vaccine, and the peanut butter is Big Media. Why didn’t I see it?
Welp, guess I’ll have to find a way to get this vaccine out of my body. Should be easy enough. I’ll just go on tiktok and film myself swallowing some magnets.* I should be fine.
*Please don’t do this, no joke, the magnets will tear your stomach apart. Oh god I added a caveat! Must the universe show me the peril of my rhetoric??? Happy blurb hunting and I truly hope Week 2 is more like Strong 2, in that it’s not weak. Did I accidentally include a parting paragraph inside an asterisked footnote (yes)?